Me: Alright Tiger fans, last week was pretty bad. We saw our beloved team lose a heartbreaker on a 10000 degree afternoon to LSU. Let’s bounce back, shall we?
Aubie: I was so mad at them refs. Cheating and also blind as a bat.
me: I know, it was bad, Aubie.
Aubie: It’s cool, I siphoned the gas out of their cars during the fourth quarter.
Me: I don’t think that’s cool…anyway, let’s get to the round table.
Aubie: It is cool, Crow. It’s the coolest. In this life you can only count on what you earn, and that’s why I also put a bag of police-dog poo in one of the referee’s shoes. He earned it.
Me: Don’t tell on yourself Aubie. Let’s get to the guest…a guy I don’t really recognize.
Aubie: It’s Pumbaa
Pumbaa: Well, yea, I guess you could consider me Pumbaa. I’ve been playing Pumbaa now for about two years. Thanks so much for having me today!
Aubie: Hakuna Matata Pumbaa, welcome to the show.
Pumbaa: Yeah, our production of The Lion King has been on the road now for about two years and we are currently playing Birmingham. My grandpa went to Auburn in the 50s so I knew I needed to come on down and visit campus since I was so close.
Me: So you’re an actor in the musical The Lion King?
Aubie: Actor? Nah this is Pumbaa, like in the movie! Don’t listen to him, Pumbaa
Pumbaa: Well, yeah, I am an actor that plays Pumbaa. Five shows a week
Me: what’s your real name?
Aubie: PUMBAA is his name! Ask him questions or he’ll get boared.
Me: Aubie…ok. Pumbaa, Auburn plays the Razorbacks this week, but how do you think Auburn responds to the tough loss last Saturday
Pumbaa: Well, my real name is Xander McDivit, of the Wetumpka McDivits. I think Auburn should do a great job of controlling the line against Arkansas. Yeah, it was a tough loss, but I don’t think we should get too down on the team so early in the season.
Aubie: Wow, you know your stuff for a pig. Pumbaa, how is Timon these days? Is the Savannah hot? Do you write secret letters in invisible oink?
Pumbaa: Well, Carl Goldstein, the actor that plays Timon, is doing really well. He had to get really thin for the part, but he has been maintaining a healthy 118 pounds for months now. Not so easy when you’re over six feet tall and a former point guard for LIU Brooklyn. (edited)
Me: Xander, I’m sorry but I think Aubie is convinced you’re actually the character Pumbaa…
Aubie: WHO IS XANDER AND WHAT KIND OF MADE UP NAME IS THAT!? THIS IS PUMBAA
Pumbaa: I guess I’m flattered that my acting has been so convincing?
Aubie: big words, Ein-swine, but if you aren’t Pumbaa, then how can I believe anything?
Me: hey, maybe give him what he wants, eh, Pumbaa?
Pumbaa: I’m not quite sure what is the issue here Aubie. Like, you are a guy in a suit pretending to be a big Tiger, just like I put on a bunch of makeup and pretend to be a warthog on the savannas of Africa.
Me: oh boy.
Aubie: A GUY IN A SUIT?! I AM A MAJESTIC TIGER WHO STIRS THE HEARTS OF AUBURN FANS EVERYWHERE WITH MY MIRTH AND JOIE DE VIVRE
Me: you should just pretend to be Pumbaa, or this is going to go bad
Pumbaa: I know that’s who you play on gamedays, or even in interviews on wednesday mornings, but it seems like maybe you think I’m an actual pig. I’m not even wearing my stage makeup right now.
Aubie: Ok pig-boy, I know you’re pulling my leg like pork.
Me: Xander is doubling down. Aubie, let’s let Xander be Xander for a second. He’s our guest.
Aubie: Whatever. He’s a fraud.
Me: anyway, this game seems to be one that auburn has to win and should win. Arkansas is severely overmatched on paper. “Pumbaa” how do you think the Auburn rushing attack will look after a big weekend last week
Aubie takes his lapel microphone off. Throws it down.
Aubie: I can’t do this anymore. Not with him.
Me: uhh I agree Xander. Thanks for coming on the show...I’m sorry it had to be like this.
Pumbaa: It seems like Auburn should have a somewhat easier time this week. Arkansas seemed lost against North Texas in general, but they didn’t allow 100 yards on the ground. Arkansas should be able to put up a bit of a fight, especially since they’ll have something to prove this week, but Auburn’s line and running backs are far better than UNT’s so I expect to see at least one 100 yard rusher and I wouldn’t be surprised to see another hit fifty.
Oh... well... um... I guess I’m sorry that I hurt his feelings? Is he an actual student at Auburn?
Me: HE’S A TIGER! Good day sir.