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BOOM! Roasted!

Ever wondered what you missed after a full Saturday of preparing for the Auburn game, watching the Auburn game and then talking to your friends and family about how Auburn is destined for the playoff or should be relegated to the Gulf South Conference? I know I have, so that’s why each week, I, your fearless leader, will collect all the interesting tidbits from a full week of football and collect them in a nice and tidy formaldehyde jar for your consumption. Welcome to…

For our first installment we will take a look at Week 0 (WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS A WEEK ZERO) as well as the opening weekend so let’s start off in Las Cruses, New Mexico with the Aggies. New Mexico State had a banner 2017, finishing off the nation’s longest bowl drought at 50+ years, so how would Head Coach Doug Martin and crew respond in 2018. Well…how about a first half with a total offense of -18 yards. That’s 2012 Auburn offensive levels of futility! The Aggies are already 0-2 on the year with losses to Wyoming and Minnesota but did double their offensive output from game 1 to game 2 so…yippie?

Ya’ll ever think that a team that went to the to a Top 6 Bowl and had a pretty smart coach would get a win over a coach that sounds like he is gargling gravel and is breaking out a transfer quarterback that had thrown just 6 passes in his college career? Yeah, I did too but the turnover chain met its match in a big way against Joe Burrow and the Coach O led LSU Tigers. Miami actually outgained LSU 341 to 298 but a Pick 6 and committing 11 penalties for 85 yards will somewhat help explain it. The Canes did make it respectable in the 4th quarter by getting two TDs but still, a 33-17 whipping of a preseason top 10 team is very impressive. With that said, let’s all point and laugh at the Turnover Chain for losing to a Hummer Saleman.

Shout out to Purdue freshman Rondale Moore who broke Otis Armstrong’s Purdue all purpose yardage record by 3 feet! Moore had 79 yards rushing, with 109 receiving and tossed in 125 on kickoff returns to break the record that’s stood since 1972.

What is it about Utah State? I still have a receipt that they owe me for some Tums from the 2011 game with Auburn where the Aggies held a 10-point lead over the defending National Champions with 2 minutes to play, only to see Auburn score 15 points in those 2 minutes and escape with a 42-38 win. Last year, Wisconsin found themselves trailing Utah State 10-0 after the first quarter, but then righted the ship, running off 59 points in a rout. Friday night however, they returned more to the 2011 version, putting the fear of Crazy Old Testament God into Sparty in East Lansing, taking a 1 point lead with 5 minutes to play, forcing Michigan State to go 75 yards in 9 plays to take a 38-31 lead with 2 minutes to play and hold on for the win. The good part is at least Mark Dantonio was really happy with the win….or maybe he isn’t happy….OH GOD RUN!!!

Can we pull the plug on the Jim Harbaugh project or do we need to continue the fiasco? The Maze-n-Blue played tough but dropped another one on the road in South Bend 24-17.

Michigan has now lost 4 in a row and is 4-6 in their last 10 games dating back to last season. I know where I am on Khaki Jesus (Harbaugh) and I have a feeling most Wolverines are as well. Also, a golf clap for Penn State who took Appalachian State to overtime before they finally put away the Boys from Boone 45-38.

Welcome to the burning car on I-85, the train wreck of baby kittens, the UFC fight where the ref caught his wife cheating on him with the guy getting his face bashed in. This is, STOP THE FIGHT! In this edition, we head to Orlando, FL where our old buddy Bobby Petrino guaren-damn-teed that his Cardinals would not only hang with Bama…they’d bring home that dub. Well let’s see how that went…

Look, I don’t like giving Alabama any spotlight whatsoever, but if you come out and say you will beat Bama and you finish with 16 yards rushing on 26 attempts, you get a complete stage for the week.

One for the road: Whoever has the FAU texting machine….brauh….didn’t Hugh Freeze teach you not to text things to people you don’t want others to see?

Just for the record, OU held on for a 63-14 drubbing of Baby Kiff and the Owls.

Till next week...At least you aren’t a Tennessee fan. Uh oh, West Virginia just scored again...