Woah boy, did Auburn beat the stink off of Purdue. At some point it stopped being a football game and started becoming pure catharsis. Auburn was purifying itself from the disappointment of months of lackluster offense. Purdue was just in the way like a Japanese fishing boat during the Castle Bravo test. They were collateral damage.
What this game allows me to do is provide a service to you my dear fans. I’m gonna rate these NINE touchdowns for you, to help you better appreciate them for their unique charms.
I will be rating them using a 1-5 BOOM scale with 5 BOOMS being the highest. They will be scored in 4 categories: importance to the game, hilarity, pettiness, and aesthetic appeal. Am I biased? Sure, but these are my rankings.
LETS GET IT (Young Jeezy Voice)
This is the first touchdown of the game. Jarrett Stidham does the Official Cameron Jarrell Newton QB draw fake and then throws a gorgeous swing pass to Boobie Whitlow. Boobie weaves through the entire defense on his way for 6. Just look at it. Imagine for one second you are #36 for Purdue. Has there ever been a more hopeless feeling than the one that went through his head the second he saw the ball in the air heading toward Whitlow? Maybe not up until that point in human history, but maybe later in this very game.
Importance: 5/5 Booms. As the first score of the game, this one scores five BOOMs out of five. Auburn asserted its will on the game at this point.
Hilarity: 3/5. I wasn’t openly laughing at the TV at this point. I was more shocked we had just scored. If a chuckle came out it was one of surprise, not hysteria.
Pettyness: 2/5. It would have scored lower, but I just feel the Gus Malzahn Revenge Tour started with this play for a reason. I think he knew he could score on the most Gus play ever so early in the game just to prove it to the H8TRZ.
Aesthetics: 4/5. Pass plays are pretty. Long runs are pretty. This was both in one play and was very pretty indeed.
Total: 14/15 BOOMs/ Not Bad.
This was Whitlow’s second touchdown. I am a sucker for Wildcat and for Chandler Cox mooshing people and this was both. I loved this touchdown.
Importance: 4/5 BOOMs. Second score of the game, so we really didn’t know the floodgate of points was about to be opened. At this point we thought we were going to need these points in order to stave off an inevitable Purdue comeback. Nah dog.
Hilarity: 3/5. I didn’t laugh at this touchdown except at how Stidham doesn’t move a muscle from snap to whistle. He is a statue. Does he know that he is supposed to be part of the play? Is he sure he’s in the game? The Wildcat is a great design because it forces 11 defenders to defend 11 offensive players who are all a threat to attack. Stidham only attacked from a mental standpoint because I’m sure he is torching someone in his dreamscape during this play. Watch the gif over and over and try to imagine what is going through ole number 8’s noggin. Maybe he is imagining he is Boobie Whitlow and day dreaming about what it would be like to be named boobie. Man maybe that would be tough at school. Kids can be mean. But maybe that’s why Boobie got so big and strong. It’s not his real name so who knows.
Pettyness: 1/5. Anytime Gus goes to Wildcat and scores, I imagine he is doing it to rub his critics’ nose into it a little. But not to a huge extent at this point in the game.
Aesthetics:5/5. I love Wildcat. She is beautiful.
Total: 13/20 BOOMs
I have to double check this gif to make sure it isn’t just a bad copy-paste mistake on my part. It’s not the same gif as the last touchdown, Gus just ran the exact same dang play two straight trips inside the 5. Love u Gus never change.
Importance 5/5 BOOMs. This was the game winner. With 7:00 left in the first quarter. LOL.
Hilarity: 4/5. Anytime you run the exact same play against a team and score and they don’t come anywhere close to stopping it, it is funny to me. Also Stidham this time not only moves, he stands up and puts his hands on his hips like he is disappointed Boobie didn’t audible out of this play and throw him a sick back shoulder fadeski. C’mon Boobie, toss that p-skin this way, bro.
Pettyness: 4/5. Running the same dang play more than once is classic Gus Calling the Good Plays. I know he was thinking about the anti-Wildcat crowd (READ: dopes) and was sending them a message that he will be continuing to give defenses that sick sick Wildcat all next season.
Aesthetics: 5/5. I love Wildcat. She is beautiful.
Total: 18/20. That’s a lot of BOOMs.
This was the beginning of the Hey-Darius-Slayton-Is Super-Fast-You-Guys section of the game. Darius was more wide open than I am to the idea of you sending me money on Venmo (@sonofcrow).
Importance: 2/5. We hadn’t seen much from D-Slay and it was important for him and Jarrett to go out with a bang. This was important for that, it was NOT important to the game because Purdue wouldn’t be able to come back from down 21-7 if the game was fourteen quarters long.
Hilarity: 4/5. It was super funny how open he was. I was thinking it must have been a blown coverage or someone fell down. Then I realized it was just Slayton being fast and I laughed more.
Pettiness: 2/5. Throwing a bomb up 14 is not super petty, but it turned out it kinda was since Purdue employed the bold strategy of wearing lead-lined pants. That’s the only explanation for how slow they looked.
Aesthetics: 5/5. NOTHING BETTER THAN THE BOMB BABEEEEEY.
Total: 13/20 BOOMs. Solid.
Importance: 5/5. Not really but I’m giving it high grades because of how important it was for reestablishing the “SEC Speed” narrative.
Hilarity: 5/5. This gif is hilarious. There are like 4 guys for Purdue who have no idea what to do. Number 96 in white looks like a dang Keystone Cop. No one has ever run himself out of a play worse than 36 does.....except 55. This looks like a play from Breaking Madden. I bet Slayton was cracking up the whole time he was running untouched to the endzone, thinking about how tired 46 looks. The lead-lined pants were a bad choice.
Pettiness: 5/5. You know what Gus H8TRZ really hate? Wide receiver screens. Forget that they are a bedrock foundation of the modern spread offense, these dummies will tell you WR Screens are responsible for every Auburn loss in the past 5 years as well as the Global Financial Crisis of 2008. Gus keeps running them and I love it.
Aesthetics: 5/5. Prince Tega kicking a defensive back out of the game is my all-time favorite part of this beautiful play. He almost didn’t need to touch anyone, but he decided to plant the tiny guy he saw out of bounds. It’s the little things, y’all.
Total: 20/20 FLAWLESS VICTORY
Importance: 1/5. This game was long over and this was the dollop of sour cream on 10-pounds of nachos
Hilarity: 5/5. Purdue got scored on by a DL named Big Kat after its QB’s pass traveled more yards backwards than forwards. Hilarious.
Pettiness: 1/5. Gus didn’t call this play. If he did, he should call it every time. If we find out he has the ability to call this play and isn’t, I’ll be peeved.
Aesthetics: 5/5. Big Guy Touchdown AUTO-5/5 ENGAGED
Importance: 1/5. This is the point in the game in which it became cleansing to me.
Hilarity: 3/5. I mean the scoreboard itself was funny at this point.
Pettiness: 2/5. I don’t think Gus was exorcising any demons with this TD, otherwise it would have been higher. Had this been out of the Wildcat, you better believe it would be a 6/5.
Aesthetics: 5/5. I like watching Anthony Schwartz run.
Importance: 3/5. Important because now we were in record-breaking territory and Gus knew it. Him going for the record is important because it shows his supreme confidence in picking up meaningless stats and wins, something people really want him to do.
Hilarity: 5/5. Bombs are funny. And THEY STILL AREN’T DOUBLE-TEAMING SLAYTON. LOL. The Safety over the top comes to help at a speed usually reserved for icebergs. Slayton caught what felt like -9 deep balls this season and in this one game he caught two beautiful ones. Stidham to Slayton was back BABY!
Pettiness: 5/5. Gus is my DOG. Throwing a bomb up 42 in the first half is savage.
Aesthetics: 5/5. Jarrett throws an artistic deep ball.
Importance: 5/5. Ryan Davis had 0 touchdowns going into this game, and that is criminal. This touchdown righted a wrong. It solved an injustice. It gave the world meaning.
Hilarity: 3/5. Number 41 in white basically knows the play and still misses the tackle enough for Ryan to get 6. That’s funny to me. Also THIS Auburn team scored 63 points in a bowl game and that is hysterical.
Pettiness: 3/5. Had Auburn scored again, thus proving that Gus was going for an all-time record, this would have been higher. Instead, I think he was trying to get Davis a score, and that’s admirable. Unless you’re the linebacker who gets kneecapped by Chandler Cox. I’m sure he was tired of Auburn at this point.
Aesthetics: 3/5. Not the greatest looking play, but not ugly by any means.
Total: 14/15 Booms
Most teams don’t waltz into the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl and expect to drop a sixty-burger. Auburn had a game for the ages and I am glad to have watched every play of the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl. I’m sad the season is over, but I think we can all take solace that the Vested Vendetta is back on the sidelines calling the GoodPlays and running out of bubble gum.