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Rootability Index, Vol. 3 - Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Because LSU Deserves It

We’ve got to work on our own mojo today.

LSU v Auburn
Enough is enough
Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Greetings, Tiger fans! We are on the precipice of the defining game of our football season. A win would mean we get our shot at another November to remember. A loss and we are regulated to playing spoiler for our rivals. Now, let me level with y’all for a moment...I’m in a mood this week. Normally when it comes time for LSU, I get excited about the game knowing it’s normally a fun outing against a team and a fanbase that provides a wealth of entertainment. But tonight, on the eve of yet another trip to Baton Rouge where we’re all expecting the same result that we’ve seen for the past 20 years, I’ve got some things to get off my chest. With that in mind, let’s get to it.

Auburn at LSU

I can sit here and create bullet point after bullet point for why I don’t have any love for LSU. And frankly, for why Auburn football has driven me half insane over the last two decades. We all know the games against this group that have done it. I’ve sat in the stand in Tiger Stadium for most of them. This ain’t about that.

No, my problem is this...on what planet does this bunch think they’re suddenly some sort of answer to the Alabama problem in this conference? This program, that for the better part of FIFTEEN YEARS has wasted an abundance of talent that we are likely never to see from top to bottom in our own program, all of a sudden has everyone talking as though Auburn, the Auburn football program that under Gus Malzahn has twice won the SEC West, is some kind of afterthought in a game that never seems to go according to plan? This program, that has talked up their big ole’ stadium as something that’s cursed because they’ve managed to pull something out of their backside more times than I care to count against Auburn teams that typically don’t match up on paper in their own backyard, only to be without ONE. SINGLE. POINT. SCORED. in said stadium against the other team from our state in the last two outings? No. HELL NO.

This bunch has no business thinking their stadium and their crowd live rent free in our head. They thump their chests as though they are the solution to what’s happened and is happening in Tuscaloosa, just because they’re in a talent rich state? Give me a break. The reality of it is that LSU typically beats overmatched Auburn teams. There’s been a few of those I can think of. 2008, 2011, 2012, and 2015 come to mind. And yet the two years in those where we had losing records LSU almost managed a way to screw that up. And in every one of those years they then find ways to screw it all up and open the door for someone else to take the prize. And when they don’t manage to screw that up in the regular season, they manage to not cross the 50 yard line against a team they beat on the road 2 months prior. To hell with that.

LSU is the single largest reason since 2009 why we have to be subjected to the other side of this state changing bumper stickers more times than I care to think about. Just don’t tell them that, because they’ll make excuses about officiating. Meanwhile, all Auburn has done is be the only program in this conference to have 2 wins against Alabama in the last 6 seasons.

But sure, LSU has their new shiny toy of an offense, and it’s impressive. And yes, once again an Auburn team has to go into Tiger Stadium with low expectations from just about everyone. But you know the best way to break a curse? Go in to that stadium and get a quarterback’s jersey dirty. Go in their and have a game-plan that has some courage mixed in with who we are and what our brand of football is supposed to be. Because when we stay within ourselves and do that, good things happen against LSU.

Now I love a lot of the folks in Louisiana. Our LSU site here is phenomenal and the folks associated with it are genuinely good people who I would do anything I could to let them know I care about them. Seriously they’re good folks. But I’m not here for friendship tomorrow. I’m here to see a reckoning. I’m here to see us stop stubbing our toe against a program that won’t finish the drill when we do. Because it’s our job in this conference to ruin the designed plan and that job starts tomorrow with going on that field and playing like grown men and coming back to the Plains with a victory and a chance at so much more this season.

So, in closing, right back at ya, Ed. And War Damn Eagle. Smoke the damn cigar if you got ‘em, Auburn.

Mississippi State at Texas A&M

Few things make me feel more alive than seeing a tragic comedy unfold on a football field. And folks I’m here to tell you, Jimbo Fisher making $75 million from Texas A&M to lose to this Mississippi State team coached by a guy who is probably going to run off to Rutgers is just about the most hilarious thing I can possibly imagine.


South Carolina at Tennessee

Living in Birmingham means I have to base a lot of rooting interests around how it will psychologically damage a lot of folks I’m surrounded by the most. On one hand, a Tennessee win would make a lot of folks around these parts disappointed that their “rival” won a football game, but deep down they’d feel a little bit better about showing some ass in their own stadium against a truly bad football team that may have won the dang thing had it not been for an awful flag being thrown and an equally awful decision by Jarrett Guarantano. So don’t be fooled if Tennessee loses this game and think they’re actually happy with it, because oh buddy they’re going to live in a stress-filled state for 2 weeks without Tua knowing full and well they’re an extremely beatable football team. The thought of their unhappiness and anxiety over that for 2 weeks is exactly the kind of thing that has me pulling for the Gamecocks in this one.

Plus, let’s all root for another heel turn post-game interview...

Missouri at Kentucky

The game we should all care about the least. Only reason why I’ll pay any attention is because I’m pulling hard for Missouri to figure themselves out and maybe find a way to give Georgia further embarrassment in the SEC East.

M-I-Z! Z-O-U!

Arkansas at Alabama

There is no hope to be had here in this barren wasteland of a football game in Tuscaloosa. On a positive note, it’ll be raining until around 4PM when the stadium opens so I’m sure everyone will have a great time enjoying the homecoming festivities! That rivalry Alabama has with Weather has really taken a turn this year in Weather’s direction. You hate to see it.

We all know we’re doing our part to Call the Hogs tomorrow...even if it is from a healthy distance to avoid attracting folks like this...

Good grief.

So there you have it everybody! What Auburn-based agenda has you rooting for a certain team today? Feel free to let us know in the comments!