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That’s My Butler

NCAA Football: Clemson at Auburn John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Wednesday, there was a meeting of the minds, hosted by John Carvalho and Chad Gibbs at Baumhower’s Victory Grill, in which members of Auburn twitter hung out IRL.

These are always super fun and These guys are the best. Dr. John even picked up my tab because I lost my wallet that morning. I discovered it was lost when the check came, and definitely did not play it cool. I still owe you for lunch Dr John, so we have to do this at least one more time.

Auburn Tweeters we are, we got to talking about Harvey Updyke and how terrible he is and how mad we all are that Finebaum allowed him on the air one more time to pour salt in the wound of him poisoning the Auburn spirit. I see Harvey as more a person to be pitied than a man I need to actively hate, but nevertheless I understand why people are irate that he A) isn’t currently incarcerated and B) has no intention of paying the exorbitant fine he was levied by a judge. We were talking about how silly the whole thing was and the idea of a retrial came up, and maybe a judge could re-sentence him to jail except none of us want our tax dollars paying for his meals in prison.

Which got me thinking

He has no money, there is no way he can pay this the judge sentences Harvey Updyke to 3 years of being CAM NEWTON’S BUTLER


Tell me you wouldn’t watch that show.

“Hey Harvey, I’m gonna need the leopard print loafers and the zebra shirt for tonight’s press conference.”
“Sure thing Sca—”

“Say what?”
“I mean, yes sir Mr Newton.”

Harvey driving Cam around Charlotte, picking up his hats from his custom hat cleaner, and taking Chosen to day care.

Cam and Harvey watching the Iron Bowl together, except Harvey isn’t allowed to watch this year’s and has to watch the second half of the 2010 Iron bowl.

Harvey has to tell Cam each of his hats is the coolest hat he’s ever seen Cam wear, and he has to do it with a straight face.

Harvey has to hold Cam’s coats as he tries on each new press conference outfit. Cam asks for input, and just ignores it.

Harvey is invited to Cam’s cigar lounge but never allowed to smoke a cigar. He has to cut and light all of Cam’s and if he does a bad job, he has to apologize by saying “I’m sorry I’m such a screw up. I got too much Bama in me.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v Carolina Panthers
“Harvey, please don’t tuck my sheets in when you make my bed next time. I like them untucked.”
Photo by Jacob Kupferman/Getty Images

Leave any wacky scenarios you’d like to see happen in the comments.