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Auburn Football as Vampire Weekend Songs

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Let’s get weird this offseason

Auburn Oaks at Toomer’s Corner Celebration Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images

If you haven’t been paying attention to pop culture, bastions of Cape Cod Rock Vampire Weekend have released a new double album called Father of the Bride. Dear readers, this is only the beginning of the offseason, but your intrepid content farmer Crow is dying for something to make into goodness for you to consume. That said, the internet is abuzz with reviews and takes on this new VW album, and it is a great way to get clicks since Jack refuses to let me rename this site Zion Tebow Manziel AOC Rumors Dot Com. A peak SBNATION trope (really just an internet thing at this point) is Thing X as Thing Y, so in that spirit I present to you Gus Malzahn’s entire tenure at Auburn as Vampire Weekend songs. Fair warning, there’s going to be a lot of youtube links coming up.

2013

Auburn’s 2013 season had expectations that could best be described as “This restaurant just gave me food poisoning last week, but surely that can’t happen again.” And boy did 2013 overdeliver! A lot of Auburn fans loved that season by week 4 simply because it wasn’t 2012. By the time the season ended, we realized we had seen something no one could explain. Gus Malzahn’s debut season is the dragon Auburn football addicts are still chasing. At parts, it sounded like something you had never seen before, yet it was familiar, like it was ripping off Graceland by Paul Simon almost too much...of course it’s Cape Cod Kwasaa Kwasaa.

2014

Low-key maybe Auburn’s best season under Gus from an offensive standpoint. Sure, there were some head-scratching parts of that season, and Auburn lost a couple it should have won. I like to focus on the positive, the 2014 LSU game was a bop. Gus Malzahn and Nick Marshall were a match made in heaven. One could even say they “go together like Keats and Yeats,Bowls and plates, days and dates.” This is my favorite track off the new record, and the 2014 offense is my favorite thing Gus has ever put on the field.

2015

How long ‘til we sink to the bottom of the sea? How long, how long? How long ‘til we sink and it’s only you and me? How long, how long? What’s the point of getting clean? You’ll wear the same old dirty jeansWhat’s the point of being seen? Those eyes are cruel, those eyes are meanWhat’s the point of human beings?

If that isn’t how you felt at the end of the 2015 Georgia game, then are you even a fan?

2016

What a weird year. There was a time in the middle there where Auburn looked unbeatable behind the most reheated leftovers backfield of all time. Spicy Sean White and Kam Pettway were probably super annoying to opposing fanbases, but no team seemed to be able to crack the code. Similarly White Sky has a ludicrously catchy hook that is complete nonsense and lyrics that are basic gobbledeegook. It is the 2016 Auburn season in under three minutes.

2017

Beat Alabama and Georgia! But then the Tide won another title and Auburn lost to UCF in the dang Chicken Filet bowl. Auburn had, by almost every metric, a really great year. However, many Auburn fans remain nonplussed when this season is brought up. A lot of them are Unbelievers. This song contains the line “I’m not excited, but should I be?” which is the most #AuburnTwitter question of all time.

2018

You criticize the practice

By murderin’ the plans

Ignorin’ all the history

Denyin’ them romance

The pin striped men of mornin’

Are comin’ for to dance

Forty million dollars

The kids don’t stand a chance

This is obviously a song about Gus’ buyout. Freaking realists.