BOOM! Roasted! - Preseason Edition

*Stretches out and Yawns*

Just like the Little Engine that could, we have chugged through another offseason and have made it to the base of another College Football season. And while you were sitting at Uncle Ray Ray’s BBQ playing Clash Royale on your phone trying to avoid Auntie Susan talking about the mole on her shoulder that changes color and she is really concerned about it for no good reason, things were happening in College Football that you so missed. But don’t worry, you knew I was watching and would coral all the fun things for you here in the Roasted. So, let’s dive in and enjoy the preseason!

IT’S ON THE INTERNET SO IT HAS TO BE TRUE

A buddy of mine that covers the NFL but really doesn’t follow college football too closely shot me a message over NFL draft weekend. He was looking for information on former Tiger Jarrett Stidham so he typed in the message in to Google, as he instructed me to do after he stopped laugh/crying, and here’s what it pulled up…

For those that can’t zoom in…

I know this isn’t a new photo but it is when THAT’S THE FIRST PICTURE OF GUS YOU SEE WHEN YOU TYPE HIS NAME INTO GOOGLE! Oh Coach Klien, just image Coach O looks like a puppy and the plays will start to come again.

DON’T KNOW IF IT WILL GET THE COMMITMENT BUT IT WILL MAKE MOMMA HAPPY

For those who don’t know him, this is Mike Gundy. He is a man, and he is 52. While this particular response to a question won’t make the impact that the I’M A MAN!! rant did, it’s no less fantastic.

I can’t tell you how upset I am that we don’t have video of this perfection but at least we have the quote. Never change coach Mullet….don’t do it!

IF I WERE A FOOTBALL COACH, I THINK I’D BE MIKE LEACH

Speaking of don’t ever change. How awesome would it have been to have Mike Leach at SEC Media Days. Talk about giving the Ball Coach a run for his money as most quotable coach, Leach is a walking sound bite just waiting to be played and he was a maximum effectiveness at this year’s Pac-12 Media Days.

Oh but the Pirate was only getting warmed up…

We can only hope that the Cougs are successful this season because College Gameday interviews with him are so beautiful and I love having a reason to hear from him on the Sunday morning recap shows. In the mean time, let’s think of some awesome questions for Leach on the Wazzou Coach’s Call-in Show. It’s appointment listening!

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING THE ACTIVITES DIRECTOR ON THIS FLOATING DUMPSTER FIRE

There are certain jobs that you know are rough. Trash collector…Port-a-potty Service Tech…Nanny to 4 kids in a well to do area of town. But this…this would have to be the bottom of the barrell.

I can’t image that poor soul and what they have to put up with. Though the people watching would be amazing, the things you would have to put up with is definitely not worth it. Plus, what on earth are some of the features of this floating trash barge…

• Skoal Can Shuffleboard
• Bingo where everyone wins because they can claim as many squares as they want
• Arts and crafts where passengers can make their very own UAT diploma out of macaroni and glitter
• Family Speed Dating
• Open Mic Night – No singing, you just tell stories of how the Bear changed your life
• Traditional Muster Drill
  *NOTE TO PASSENGERS* This is not to be confused with Mustard…this is not a Hamburger and Hot Dog send off…

What other activities can you think of for this tour of the high seas? Feel free to leave them in the comments!