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Recognizing Juice

Tulane v Auburn Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images

Hey guys, Crow here. We somehow have reached another game week. I still have a hard time believing it, too, but here we are. Will we play all 10 games this season? Who knows. These are unprecedented times, as you all know, and we have to press on into oppressive ambiguity all the time now. We college football fans are experts at cognitive dissonance, and we were born for times like these.

This season, I have a new column for you. I’m sorry.

Each week I will announce who is currently the holder of the College And Magnolia Boss Energy Leadership Trophy. What is the CAMBELT? Is this a reverse engineered acronym? How does someone win it? Is there a physical object associated with it?

You have a lot of questions. Settle in.


The way the CAMBELT works is simple: the holder of the CAMBELT is CAMBELT Champion until someone displaces him. He wins the CAMBELT by bringing more juice than anyone else and by basically being the talisman of the Auburn Football Tigers.

Saturday’s game featured a performance by one player who you could tell just did not have time for Kentucky’s act. No matter what the ‘Cats tried, he had an answer, and usually his answer was to be simply better at American Football than anyone else on the field.

But simply being good at football doesn’t win you the CAMBELT. No sir, you need to do something so blatantly disrespectful or mean-spirited that it might inspire the other team to quit the sport. You have to succeed in such a way that it seems the whole exercise of the game is beneath your greatness, that you might need a jog after the game to truly get a good workout in on Saturday. Like Michael Jordan smoking cigars before an NBA Finals game and then lifting weights after the game ended. That’s Boss Energy Leadership.

Boss Energy Leadership is the guy at the YMCA busting dudes on the basketball court while still wearing sweatpants. Changing into shorts would be taking his opponent far too seriously.

So who has the CAMBELT?

I mean, who did you expect?

Seth Williams sonned his defender so bad that 1 in white probably got a lot of “It’s OK, bud, nothing you coulda done” and butt-slaps from his coaches and team-mates who then all looked at each other with a look of “I’d quit if I were him.” The referee watched Williams mush his hand into the defenders face and then literally flex on him and did nothing because the referee was most likely intimidated at the pure grown-manning he had just seen. Seth Williams looked like a dude playing touch football with his nephews while smoking a cigarette. Just completely aware at the gap in ability and how in his favor it was.

So congrats Mr. Williams. You are the current holder of the CAMBELT. Be aware, this week is Georgia week and anyone who brings Boss Energy Leadership against the Dwags will be tough to beat for the rest of the season.