AUBURN— The past few weeks, this web page has attempted to show what is really going on inside the Auburn football complex. Our readership being what it is, it didn’t take long before the Athletic Department caught wind of what we were breaking. Unfortunately, that’s why you didn’t receive an article from me last week. Our attempt to shine a light on what really led to the dismissal of a certain wide receiver coach was deemed “unprintable,” but just know it had a lot to do with said coach “refusing to admit that Barracuda by Heart is a banging track, and it’s OK for dudes to say that,” according to one sAUrce.
In the wake of Auburn’s 34-10 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs, spirits around the complex were higher than expected. The team seemed to be in agreement with much of the fanbase, that the majority of the Tigers’ deficiencies on Saturday had little to do with scheme, but more with execution. The much-maligned wide receiver group were reported to be in a serious mood on Tuesday, especially after what can only be described as an unorthodox after-hours training session that started after practice on Monday and lasted late into the evening. “We each had to make a hundred catches,” one player told College and Magnolia, “except Coach Hars made us catch a hundred different items while blaring ‘Lucky Star’ by Madonna so loudly we couldn’t hear ourselves think. Catching all that weird stuff was tough, but the song actually made it easier, thing slaps.”
Items the receivers were alleged to have caught include a football, tennis balls, a CD from the band Rancid, a honey-crisp apple, and a baby pot-bellied pig.
“Catching the pig was toughest,” our sAUrce told us, “I mean, you don’t want to drop it because it is a baby, but I ain’t trying to hold a pig, man. Plus it was weird seeing it shoot out of the JUGS machine.”
Unorthodox training methods have been common in the Harsin regime. Players have raved about how they’ve been able to learn the game from the inside out, while also seeing their bodies transformed by new strength and conditioning methods. A player who wished to remain anonymous said to College and Magnolia on Wednesday, “Man look, I didn’t think it was possible to get this much faster while also improving all my weight lifting numbers, but then Hars got here and started that Rocky IV stuff.”
The stack of firewood that now blocks the entrance to the indoor facility is a bi-product of these new training methods, as is the pile of small boulders that get moved daily by each position group from one end South Donahue to the other. These workouts have proven to be successful in building camaraderie among the players, but some are skeptical as to how sustainable they are.
“Man, we got dropped off in the middle of the woods somewhere,” a linebacker told us, “Each of us had an axe and we cleared about an acre of timber before we got picked back up. Whose land was that? Where are those trees going now? I just got a lot of questions is all.”
At press-time, no one was able to discover where this acre of newly cleared forest was, but some think it had to have been out near Loachapoka somewhere.