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I Don’t Care Much for Aggy

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NCAA Football: Clemson at Texas A&M John Glaser-USA TODAY Sports

How many Aggies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to do it, one to yell about it, and three more to make it a tradition.

When I was a kid, I remember telling “Aggy Jokes” with my friends. There were millions of them. Heck, you could buy books of them at the Baylor or Texas bookstores. You could buy novelty “Aggy joke” items: an Aggy Flyswatter which was just like a regular flyswatter except instead of a ton of little holes it just had one massive hole in the middle, an Aggy Revolver which was just a normal revolver but the barrel pointed backwards, and I even once saw a pair of boots “for Aggies” with the instructions of how to pour piss out of them written on the heels.

These items and jokes existed simply because, to everyone outside of College Station, Aggies are weird. I have friends and relatives who are Aggies and they seem normal enough on their own, but together it just gets weird. Kyle Field is the only place with more traditions than wins. The only place where maybe you’re in the military or maybe you just like shiny boots, but everyone can have a bad haircut. That said, I don’t want to spend a lot of time making fun of the Aggies, mainly because there’s so little left to say that hasn’t already been said. I’ve actually begun to feel bad for them.

Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?

He kept throwing out all the W&W’s!

See, we at Auburn know what it is like to have a rival we can never escape and who will not shut up about how great they are. We have two of those—just one does the actual, you know, winning—and it is incredibly annoying. Now, imagine Auburn was able to break free from Alabama and Georgia and join an even better conference than they’re in and where it would make more money than it ever had and never have to play those two ever again. Would be pretty great, if such a conference existed. Now, imagine those two somehow followed Auburn into its new conference a few years later. That would really stink. So, I feel a bit for the Ags, because I can imagine how annoying it would be. See, Texas is pretty weird about stuff too (see: the choo choo song) but people aren’t selling “Longhorn Joke” books, as far as I know.

I don’t care much for Aggy. You can tell, because I called them “aggy” and they don’t like that for some reason. It’s their “you all smell like corndogs” weird pet peeve. Like how we get ticked when people say we have three mascots. We have one mascot in three persons.

An aggie froze to death outside a movie theatre in Alaska the other night. He was waiting in line to see “Closed for the Winter.”

I don’t care much for Aggy because they annoy me. It’s as simple as that. I don’t like Alabama because I genuinely feel like it represents bad people and I don’t like Georgia because they are arrogant about nothing and bark too much. Aggies aren’t bad people, they will be incredibly friendly to any Auburn fans who make the trip. They will not bark at you. They’ll probably give you some Brisket and a Shiner Bock if you ask, and would love to hear about how you like College Station. They’ll tell you about the best places to get Chicken fingers in town and where to get biscuits and gravy Sunday morning. The difference with the Aggies is once you go inside the stadium, everything just gets so weird. I don’t really know what the point of this post is, besides reminding you that this group of people are not to be emulated. If anyone tells you “Auburn is a lot like the Aggies, you know” flee from them. We aren’t. We so so so so so so aren’t.

A rancher is out tending to his cattle and notices six penguins waddling over a hill in central Texas. He hurriedly loads them in his truck and floors it to the zoo. Unfortunately, his truck overheats, but a good Aggie pulls up behind him to give him a hand. The rancher tells the Aggie “I can fix the truck, but I was taking these penguins to the zoo. Could you do that for me?” The Aggie says he will. The rancher thanks the Aggie and gives him $100.

The rancher fixes his truck and rushes to the zoo to make sure the Aggie got the penguins there. But as he arrives, he sees the Aggie loading them back up in his truck. “What the hell are you doing?”

The Aggie says “Well, I had some money left over from the zoo, so I thought I would take them to the movies.”