BOOM! ROASTED! - Can someone do a wellness check on Kirk Ferentz?

Hello friends.

Welcome to the thing you’ve been waiting for around 7 to 8ish months without realizing you even missed it. If you are new to our prayer circle, welcome. In a quick nutshell, I corral as much of the funny stuff I can find from 3ish games that happened the previous weekend that you may have missed and slop it into the slop bucket that is known as this article and we call it BOOM! ROASTED! So, let’s avoid the unnecessary review for targeting and get started with this nonsense! Let’s get Roasted.

SOMEWHERE, PAT DYE IS WATCHING THIS GAME ON A LOOP

Look, if you have been here before, you know that we love Kirk Ferentz for a multitude of reasons, but today we are celebrating his avoidance of offense as if it would give him covid. Some people wear masks, some people overly social distance, some people are still in a safe room, and hey, you do you. But Kirk avoids so much offense that he covets an insane defensive performance to make sure that Iowa fans don’t have to see ANY OFFENSE WHATSO EVER!

The Hawkeyes took on the Jackrabbits of South Dakota State this past weekend and we….were ‘treated’ to some terrible offense and some good defense and special teams…if you missed it, here’s what you avoided…

Uh huh…that’s what we need to wake us from our offseason hibernation.

South Dakota St got so frustrated at the lack of offense, their special teams tried to help Iowa’s offense actually score a TD.

In the end it didn’t work as Iowa would end up punting…from the SDSU 37 yard line…

Yup.

In fact, Iowa wouldn’t reach the endzone on offense, but, as the ‘Drive of the Game’ will show you, they did do things in the endzone Saturday.

They were able to actually get two safeties in the game, resulting in the most Iowa box score ever.

That’s right, the defense outscored the offenses…BOTH OF THEM…on this day. I just imagine Kirk Ferentz informing his coaches Sunday that he is going to watch the game film alone and then, with shifty eyes looking up and down the hall like a nervous teenager about to watch a porno.

The best news about this is that it’s a developing story as this week is EL ASSICO week as the Hawkeyes host the rival Iowa State Cyclones, so only the Lord in Heaven knows what is about to be shoved into our eye holes.

SO YOU LEFT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER?

One of the things I always like to see in the instant schadenfreude that is a coach leaving a successful program to go to a ‘greener’ pasture and seeing what the results are for week one. There are the easy ones, like Mario Cristobal going to Miami and punishing Bethune Cookman…come on man. Or Lincoln Riley going to USC and punishing Rice…really dude. Be like Brian Kelly. The news Southern Man came from Notre Dame to lead the LSU Tigas and didn’t start off with Houston Baptist or Texas A&M Corpus Christi….no sir. Football Sam Kinison said, let’s go to my new favorite southern town, New Orleans (pronouncing it phonetically) and play Florida State…you know…FSU…this team.

….fire.

So let’s fast forward to the last 2ish minutes. FSU is about to punch in the finishing blow at the LSU 1, looking to add to their 24-17 lead, when they decided to pitch out on a run. Greg, you take it from here.

So LSU had to get down for a TD with right around a minute to go, which they somewhat did, getting to the 19 yard line with around 10 seconds to go.

They were able to get out of bounds, or did they, prompting a review that I still don’t understand and completely worrying Momma Steve Spurrier.

In the end LSU would get 1 last play for some reason and they would cash in with a TD. All they needed was the extra point to send it to OT that would please everyone to be honest…however...

Ouch.

Now, as we know, both of these fan bases have reasonable fan bases so I am sure they shook hands and left the field peacefully knowing that both teams just had fun.

Oh, that’s not great. But I mean that’s just the players and some over served fans…not everyone could hold those same feelings…

Wow, well let’s check in with Brian Kelly to make sure that’s true.

Yeah, that’s true.

Shout out to Coach O

A FEW FOR THE ROAD

Most of the time I have a 3^rd game to show you but, I went to Vegas this weekend and I’m going on about 5 hours of sleep the last 2 days so here are a couple of things I don’t have jokes for but its too funny not to share.

Arkansas played Cincinnati and the Hogs won in a solid game. Meanwhile Piggy twitter has no offseason.

And, all we heard off season was how Utah would get dehydrated and crap up at the swamp over Labor Day weekend. Apparently they heard it too and made sure they hydrated up…maybe a little too much.

That wasn’t the only time that guy had to self dehydrate on the field but you can just take my word for it. Florida won with a pick in the endzone in one of the better games of the weekend.

So that’s it for week 1, what did I miss? Throw it in the comments below! I’ve missed you guys. Here is to a hilarious season!