Okay, everyone. I'd like you all to sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Annndddd we're going to inhale in 3...2...1...
...now breathe out in 3...2...1...
We're done. We beat Kansas State. We didn't have to suffer for a thousand years under the idea that Bill Snyder and his army of Wildcats (who are, like, 80% human, actually) got the best of us. Wild Wizard Bill even did his best Bert impression after the game by suggesting that Auburn "steals signs."
I swear, even if I'd never gone to Auburn (twice), I'd say there's no other team that gets slapped with ridiculous fake crimes more than the Tigers. Stealing signs? Is that a crime?
Heck, just this morning, I read an email with my eyes. Is that stealing email? When I came home for my lunch break, I looked at my sandwich with my eyes. Is that stealing sandwiches? And when I got home from work this evening, I finally worked up the nerve to hit that "Yield" sign on my street with my car so I could spray paint "Never to" on it in orange and blue and hang it up in my room. Is that stealing signs?
Well, actually, YES, BILL, THAT WOULD BE STEALING A SIGN, YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU GOT LUCKY.
If Helen Keller was our offensive coordinator, I bet Bill Snyder would still be talking about how we stole signs. Unbelievable.
But enough about that. After all, I just made you all inhale and exhale peacefully, so no need to get the blood pressure up again. Yes sir and yes ma'am, we are 3-0. Undefeated. It's nice. But let's be real--it hasn't been pretty. Last Thursday night's game was less than stellar, but it turns out that when you're good enough to only gain 359 yards of total offense and still win, that's really all that matters. So I'll say it again: we're 3-0.
Saturday will be Auburn's 2014 Homecoming game, and into town rumble the mighty Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech. Which reminds me--good grief, how many Bulldog teams are there in the Southeast? I've got four on my radar. Let's rank them, shall we?
4. The Cousin Eddie Bulldog
- They Dabo...I mean, dabble, in claiming "signature" wins way more than they should
- Christmas Vacation impressions
- Unearthing questionable grades on essays from players who aren't even enrolled at their school
- Super loyal and friendly to Urban Meyer--call him the Dan Whisperer
- Bark is definitely worse than their bite
- Except HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY BEAT LSU AT DEATH VALLEY AT NIGHT AGAINST LES MILES I MEAN DOES JESSE PALMER KNOW SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T???
- They live in Mississippi.
- That's about it.
- They lift weights
- They're really good dogs, and that's really what you want, right?
- Daily scratching behind the ears by Mark Richt
- A lot of them get into trouble/have been in jail
- The ones that don't stay in trouble sometimes end up at Auburn and then turn around and bite the hand that fed them aka beat Georgia in November...
- ...wait, how is that a weakness?
- Good lap dogs
- Heisman-winning head coach
- Southern Conference. Sad face.
All-Around Advantage: Auburn
Opposing Team/Coach/Fans Hate Index: 2.4/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 41- Louisiana Tech 6
Because where there's dogs smokin' on the Jordan-Hare grill, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!