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The Smoking Barn - Week 4: Louisiana Tech Bulldogs

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Bulldog. Underdog. Hotdog. All relevant dogs this weekend at Jordan-Hare Stadium--in that order.

"I mean, yeah, there's no doubt. I can eat 50 hot dogs in one sitting."
"I mean, yeah, there's no doubt. I can eat 50 hot dogs in one sitting."
Scott Sewell-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, everyone. I'd like you all to sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Annndddd we're going to inhale in 3...2...1...

/INHALE

...now breathe out in 3...2...1...

/EXHALE

We're done. We beat Kansas State. We didn't have to suffer for a thousand years under the idea that Bill Snyder and his army of Wildcats (who are, like, 80% human, actually) got the best of us. Wild Wizard Bill even did his best Bert impression after the game by suggesting that Auburn "steals signs."

I swear, even if I'd never gone to Auburn (twice), I'd say there's no other team that gets slapped with ridiculous fake crimes more than the Tigers. Stealing signs? Is that a crime?

Heck, just this morning, I read an email with my eyes. Is that stealing email? When I came home for my lunch break, I looked at my sandwich with my eyes. Is that stealing sandwiches? And when I got home from work this evening, I finally worked up the nerve to hit that "Yield" sign on my street with my car so I could spray paint "Never to" on it in orange and blue and hang it up in my room. Is that stealing signs?

Well, actually, YES, BILL, THAT WOULD BE STEALING A SIGN, YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU GOT LUCKY.

If Helen Keller was our offensive coordinator, I bet Bill Snyder would still be talking about how we stole signs. Unbelievable.

But enough about that. After all, I just made you all inhale and exhale peacefully, so no need to get the blood pressure up again. Yes sir and yes ma'am, we are 3-0. Undefeated. It's nice. But let's be real--it hasn't been pretty. Last Thursday night's game was less than stellar, but it turns out that when you're good enough to only gain 359 yards of total offense and still win, that's really all that matters. So I'll say it again: we're 3-0.

Saturday will be Auburn's 2014 Homecoming game, and into town rumble the mighty Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech. Which reminds me--good grief, how many Bulldog teams are there in the Southeast? I've got four on my radar. Let's rank them, shall we?

4. The Cousin Eddie Bulldog

Strengths:

  • They Dabo...I mean, dabble, in claiming "signature" wins way more than they should
  • Christmas Vacation impressions
  • Unearthing questionable grades on essays from players who aren't even enrolled at their school
  • Super loyal and friendly to Urban Meyer--call him the Dan Whisperer
  • Bark is definitely worse than their bite
  • Except HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY BEAT LSU AT DEATH VALLEY AT NIGHT AGAINST LES MILES I MEAN DOES JESSE PALMER KNOW SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T???
Weaknesses:
  • They live in Mississippi.
  • That's about it.
3. The Jailhouse Bulldwag

Strengths:
  • They lift weights
  • They're really good dogs, and that's really what you want, right?
  • Daily scratching behind the ears by Mark Richt
Weaknesses:
  • A lot of them get into trouble/have been in jail
  • The ones that don't stay in trouble sometimes end up at Auburn and then turn around and bite the hand that fed them aka beat Georgia in November...
  • ...wait, how is that a weakness?
2. The Samford Bulldog

Strengths:
  • Good lap dogs
  • Heisman-winning head coach
Weaknesses:
  • Southern Conference. Sad face.
Which brings us to...

1. The Louisiana Tech Bulldog

What can we really say about these Bulldogs? Auburn is 11-0-1 all time against these mutts, which doesn't begin to scare even the craziest Cynophobe (that's the fear of dogs, mind you). Although, it did take Auburn quarterback Daniel Cobb 5 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, and an overtime period to finally put those dogs down in 2001. That ain't happening this Saturday, folks. Auburn's going to muzzle these swamp pups without any trouble, and just in time to get to bed at a decent hour! Win-win!

Underdog? But we're Tigers. WE'RE FREAKIN' CATS, MISSSTERRRR SPORTS GUYYYYYY

Let's look at this from the perspective of another Bulldog that we haven't mentioned yet: Mr. David Pollack:

"Auburn is on upset alert against the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs on Saturday." - David Pollack, former Dwag

Okay, okay. FINE. He didn't actually say this. He probably doesn't actually think this, either. But if he did, could we blame him? Do we blame anyone in Sports Media Fantasy Land? I mean, my gosh, they brought on a guy who spikes his hair, is from Canada, and can't get his story straight: is Auburn lucky, or cheating? We'll never know, Jessica. They brought on a guy with red hair, Houndstooth in his bone marrow, and they didn't even check to see if his concussion symptoms had gone away after T-Bell slammed him to the ground in 2010. They brought on Brent Musberger.

It's safe to say that if the Bulldogs down from Louee-see-annaaaa (hey, Garth) actually do pull off the biggest upset in modern history and beat Auburn on Saturday...in Jordan-Hare...on Homecoming Saturday...in 2014...the folks in Sports Media Fantasy Land will have a huge party. And it'll have 20 different craft beers, and Jesse and Greg will be doing keg-stands upstairs and Brent will probably be shirtless by 8:30 and watch out, because he's going to comment about your girlfriend in the stands and say something like, "You're looking live at--HEY WHERE ARE THE *&$^@(#$^ TOSTITOS???" And guess what. You won't be invited to this rager because you were stupid enough to believe that Auburn, as a 3-0 team, should have no problem dismantling a Conference USA offense led by senior quarterback Cody Sokol and a receiver named Sterling that isn't from Mountain Brook, Alabama (ba-ZINGA, Brookies!).

/INHALE
/EXHALE

And you absolutely should believe this. It might not be a shut-out, but you best believe that Gustav has been preparing for this day quite thoroughly. Look for Auburn's offense to get back on track--and by that I mean "Sammie Coates, you'd better show up on Saturday and have at least 8 catches for 120 yards and 2 TD's." Sammie hasn't really been present and accounted for yet. I mean, granted, he missed San Jose State, so he literally wasn't present and accounted for on the playing field, but you get the gist. He's made a few plays here and there, but he's not the Sammie Coates we all grew to love and simultaneously fear and tremble over when he choke-slammed that poor Texas A&M DB last year. We want Slammie back. He comes back this Saturday and assists an offense in proving that there is no such thing as an upset alert for a 3-0 defending SEC champion in the West against a 2-2 Conference USA team whose mascot is a bulldog and whose leash is tied to a pole somewhere in a place called Ruston.

I sure hope the guys in the booth have their rager in Ruston. It sounds like the kind of town whose curfew is 9 pm and doesn't sell alcohol on, well, ever.

"Hotdog!"

No, not my favorite Will Ferrell sketch, but a reference to the near-sellout crowd (if not a true sellout by Saturday) that will be on the Plains this Saturday. This makes me so happy. Not that I gauge Auburn's success by how many games we sell out (seriously, it's not like our coach makes us stay in our seats like we're at a 3rd-grade school assembly or something because we're "spoiled by success"...geez...), but it sure is nice to hear that we're selling out these games. Normally, I'd be pissed, because as a student (twice), there was really nothing worse than a million out-of-towners taking over your town. Now that I'm in that "adulthood" stage or whatever, it's not so bad.

And more fans means...you guessed it...more hotdogs sold by Auburn Concessions! YAY! HOW MANY CAN YOU EAT? AMERICA! THAT'S HOW MANY!

Auburn will take care of business on Saturday in front of a fantastic crowd of the Auburn Fambleh, and we'll do so in a way that forces Jesse and Greg and all the other Looney Tunes to stretch further than Stretch Armstrong for a reason to doubt that Auburn will be 10-point favorites against the Chief Grass Eater when he and his merry band of footbeauxl...er...something...misfits come into a RAUCOUS Jordan-Hare next Saturday night.

Enjoy that deep breathing for now, fellow Barners. We'll be 4-0 soon.

All-Around Advantage: Auburn

Opposing Team/Coach/Fans Hate Index: 2.4/10

Score Prediction: Auburn 41- Louisiana Tech 6

Because where there's dogs smokin' on the Jordan-Hare grill, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!